Have you ever dealt with a customer who seemed completely irate over a minor issue? Perhaps they kicked off about a feature that didn’t properly work, or they demanded a refund for a problem that seemed easily fixable. 

It’s incredibly easy to get defensive in those moments. It’s easy to label them as "difficult" and try to rush them off the phone.

But here is the truth that has guided my career for over thirty years: There is always a backstory.

When someone is reacting disproportionately to a problem, it’s rarely about the product or the service in isolation. It’s about what that failure represents in their life at that moment.

In this article, you’ll discover how to look past the surface-level noise to find that backstory. We’ll explore the CARE system – a framework for navigating complex complaints – and how to build a culture where empathy is an operational norm. 

Understanding the backstory of the customer complaint

To understand why empathy matters, I want to share a story from my time working as a diplomat. 

One of my responsibilities was housing – finding homes for American officers and their families. One day, a man stormed into my office. He was outraged. He told me I was the worst human being in the world. He demanded that I move his family immediately.

When I asked him why, he said, "There’s not enough hot water. There’s never enough hot water. It’s a danger to my family."

Now, that was a highly unusual complaint. So, I sat him down and started asking questions. I didn't fight him on the water heater specs; I just listened.

Here’s what I found out: The night before, his family of four had all taken showers, washed dishes, and done laundry. They used up the hot water tank. In the middle of the night, his baby woke up with croup.

If you’ve never heard a baby with croup, it sounds like a barking dog. It’s a terrifying noise to hear coming out of a tiny infant. The treatment is steam, but because they had used the water earlier, there was no hot water left. He couldn't create the steam room.

Suddenly, the core issue was obvious: he was terrified his baby was going to become seriously ill because he couldn't take care of him.

It wasn't about the water heater, but rather about his fear. If I’d argued with him about tank capacity, I would’ve lost him. Instead, I listened. I built a relationship – and yes, I also asked the landlord to install an extra tank.

Trust is not created because you’re perfect. Everyone likes you when things are going well. You create trust when customers know they can come to you when things are not perfect.